What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

My family never makes their pension either.

I write beautiful poetry .

How would you spank me if I had been sent home from a school camp because of my poor behavior?

They are buried together, in the same grave..

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

We all went to grammer schools

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

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She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I was very sick at this time too.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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I think the readers, may guess!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

What did i know ?

What is it like to have an insanely beautiful girlfriend?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

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I was scared of men, in general

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

My life is so biszare .

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

She found it foreign!.

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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Was to survive, this bastard.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

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Put me off passion for life!!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

One cannot live in the past .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I have no regrets .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Im still living with it.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

She wouldn,t have been !

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Comes on , in middle age.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

And i lived it daily.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

So, i spoilt her more .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Especially a lifetime of it.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

As i do to all so called friends.?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

So whats the point in blame.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

When she asked me how she looked .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I was seconnd youngest,

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She was in good health!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Ive learnt so much.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

All the time i was locked up.

Would this be the day?

She married twice! .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I don,t even have a pension.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Who then, do I blame.?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I waited trembling.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

It was going to be , some day.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I will be 64.

He knew the spot.

But, we were locked up after school.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I said to her

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

(And it was in our own minds.)

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I was 9 years of age.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She loved him until the end.

This is soul school!.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We were not on the streets..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But it wasn’t much.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

But ive been too sick for many years..

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!